The First Weekend

Hey everyone!  The weekend is over and as promised, I have some stories for you from the weekend.  Before I get into it, I’d like to share something with all of you.  As most of you know, I’m a big fan of the reality juggernaut (note: there isn't a synonym for juggernaut...it doesn't exist) that is, Jersey Shore.  It makes me laugh and it entertains me…don’t judge.  So for those of you who watched it, the premier ended with PaulyD and Deena sharing a gag-inducing kiss.  The following paragraph is from grantland.com’s David Jacoby and is both painfully accurate and hilarious in describing the aforementioned kiss:

Out on the town, Pauly D and Deena engaged in what could only be described as the least romantic encounter in human history. A slammered Deena approached Pauly D and asked for a kiss like she was asking for the time. Without a moment of thought, tongues were fully extended and attacking each other like two desert lizards battling over the only mate for miles. It made every sloppy 4 a.m. frat-party make-out session from your college days seem like a demure kiss on the cheek from Margaret Thatcher.

Onto this weekend’s festivities:  Earlier this week, I was invited to go out on the town with some lovely ladies from the hospital that I met during my orientation.  They implored me to come and meet the younger crowd in Citrus County due to the fact that there aren’t many members of the “younger crowd.”  So when I received a confirmation call on Friday afternoon, I was pretty excited to meet up with some people my age and get to know the bar scene a little bit. 

I met them all out at a place called “The Grove” which is a nice martini bar about 15 min from the HLC.  After being introduced to everyone, I found out that there are 2 people working here that are from Minnesota!  They’re a young married couple from St. Scholastica up in Duluth, MN and both of them considered going to Augie for undergrad so we had a lot to talk about.  Meeting some new people was nice, but it’s not the reason I brought up this night out. (Everyone was engaged or married…nothing to tell)  I mention this night out to point out a unique quality of the women of Citrus County:  They are all sneaky not as good looking as you think they are…this sounds harsh, but let me explain.  There’s a ton of plastic surgery in this town, and trust me when I say they show it all off.  They also seem to get their plastic surgery done below the chin…leaving ladies who have the body of a 22 year old and the face of a 56 year old.  All of which is very confusing to a kid from South Dakota who’s more used to straight forward female presentation.  Also, the live band played some great songs from the Lilith Fair era back in 1997…which, of course, brought all of this plastic surgery to the dance floor.  It was great people watching for sure…and I got a couple drinks paid for…all in all not a bad night out.

Saturday was uneventful…I went and watched the UFC fights at a local sports bar…onto today!  Today I went to Chili’s for Dinchper (Dinner/Lunch/Supper).  I was in the mood for a good burger and local restaurants are mostly seafood specialties…so Chili’s was the natural choice.  While there, I met the bartender who greeted me with a “Hey Howaya what can I staaat yous off with.”  (note: I believe this is the first time I’ve ever heard “yous” used in a sentence)   She was phenomenal.  Let me tell you about a lady who was not phenomenal….

So this lady (roughly 55 years old…but as I stated before…who can tell around here) sits down a few seats down from me and immediately alerts the bartender that she has a coupon and she plans to use it!  She then went on to judge me as I ate…(it should be noted that I had one of my epic meals: Southwest bacon cheeseburger, fries, 10 boneless wings, a chocolate shake, and a Paradise Pie for desert) and she proceeded to tell me that she “knew I wasn’t from around here…because people from around here don’t eat like that...” (whatever…she was from Chicago…how does she know what “people from around here” eat like)  Her life story only took 30 minutes to tell and included the following tidbits:

Random Woman (RW): “So I’m on disability”

Me: (trying to smile) “Congratulations!”

RW: “Yeah…I was hit by a car about 5 years ago in Chicago.  Broke my jaw and almost lost my arm…I’m OK now, but I told them I have insomnia so I got permanent disability”

Me: (visibly stricken) “Oh…”

RW: “Yeah…they didn’t want to pay it, but I got a great lawyer and the kid who hit me didn’t have insurance so I made it out on top.  I just bought this house down by the beach…it’s nice, but I’m looking to get out of it and move further south”

Me: (Nodding…Holding back the urge to scream)

RW: “My son actually just got into an accident.  He told me that he isn’t doing too bad, but he’s had some trouble sleeping so I put him in touch with my lawyer…I’m so proud of that kid.  You know, when all my friends used to get together, we all used to compare sons to see who had the best son.  I always won of course…my son knows 5 languages…so what do you do?”

Me: (beckoning to the bartender) “check please!!”

Aaaaaand that’s the weekend that was.  I tried to go kayaking today, but it got rainy this afternoon and I decided to wait for a different time.  Apparently there’s a great set of rivers down here that lead to the ocean and some islands where they have little bars that can only be gotten to by kayak or boat…I’m excited to try this out.  There are also some gators in the streams down here so I’m hoping to have my own “Swamp People” moment…I’ll keep you all updated.  Until Tuesday, too-da-loo!